the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
