12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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