I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
