The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have fence marks all over my body
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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