I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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