zippers are such a cool invention
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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