Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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