I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
