Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
