Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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