The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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