Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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