Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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