I'm lost and stupid without you.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You've changed since you got that strap on
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
