Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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