this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
