is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize