You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
