i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
17 year olds will be the death of me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
