I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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