My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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