This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
