her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
