We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
