I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
