Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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