I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I smell like Dick and happiness
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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