a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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