I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
