I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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