I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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