Are we in a gay sports bar?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
