I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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