i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
