oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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