Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
