I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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