she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize