I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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