Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
