If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
