All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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