just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
