Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize