imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
