well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
