I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
