Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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