booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
