i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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