I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
