that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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