She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
