I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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