just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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