She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
