We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
there is puke in my bra ... again
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